I have always been actively engaged in creative projects and business ventures.
Despite my devotion to my own creative practice, I have always maintained a separate income stream through a form of paid employment. Over many years my life has been a process of weaving in and out of being in the creative zone and then showing up as a contributing member of the labour force. (whatever that means #capitalism)
On an almost a daily basis I have felt the tension of trying to do both things. When I wake up knowing I have to go to work, that tension arrives in spades. I often find myself having an internal temper tantrum, my heart is literally kicking and screaming like a 3 year old toddler. Some days it takes every ounce of self composure to pull myself away from my creative work and show up in the workforce.
There is this deep seated desire to just quit all the jobs and go and live in a commune and create art- yet as an introvert who needs alone time and basic comforts, this isn't really a realistic option.
As a result of this way of living, I have spent so much time sitting in the discomfort of not feeling in full alignment. For a while I felt kind of angry at the world for not being able to live my life in a way that was fully on my terms.
Yet when I look back I can actually can see that my best work has been created out of this tension.
The tension has supported me in the following ways:
- Not having endless time and space has forced me to be more potent in my work and has helped me get really fucking clear about what it is I want to be saying and expressing to the world.
- The emotion that has come as a result of the tension has inspired me to open conversations around the creative process and forms a huge part of my message around the great unravelling- managing expectations vs creating your soul work.
- I have had to become devoted to my creative practice. I usually end up working late into the night and over weekends. I have been amazed at how productive my work has been during this time. Of course you need to balance that out, but I find that it actually energises me in a way that nourishes and supports.
- I have learnt about my own creative rhythms - when I feel most alive and inspired and how to capitalise on that ( cue night owl) tip: always carry a journal to scribble ideas in.
I actually often wonder, if I did have all the space, would I feel so motivated and determined? Would a be so prolific in my work? Would I have learnt as much about my own creative process?
It's taken me so long to see that this tension is a gift, and it is something that has lead me to this very place, and for that I am grateful.