intuition

Is this change realistic right now?

Why is it so hard to make the change we desire?

I've been examining my own behaviours of late and I have to confess there are some shifts that I am struggling to implement.

Even though it appears I want something with every cell of my being, it continues to elude me. 

With  curiosity and a good dash of frustration and anger at the universe I went within to enquire.

This answer came to me:

I am so deeply emotionally attached to the familiar and the comfort that the familiar provides I am scared of letting go.

In a world that often feels way too loud and confronting how can I build up the capacity to release the predictability and safety? These things are my anchor points, they help me to understand where I am in reference to those around me, yet i know they are also the things that keep me from forward motion. 

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Having the courage to release the familiar often takes grit, stamina and strength. 

If I get really real with myself I haven't been willing to make the changes I want, because at the moment, I want the comfort just a tiny bit more than I want the shift.

It feels really liberating to admit that. 

Rather than beat myself up for this pattern of self-sabotage, I feel this glimmer of  growing self-compassion and softness. 

Can you relate? 

p.s This isn't a practice designed to let you off the hook, making change is uncomfortable but it is my firm belief that it all begins when you get honest with yourself around what the change will take and the potential discomfort that may arise. Do you really have the resources right now? And if not, do you have it in you to create them? 

Some days all.the.things are going to align and other days it's a signal to pause and hold off until things come together x 

We all just want to be seen

When I scroll my social media accounts and see everyone sharing their lives ( myself included) I am left with one thought - we all just want to be seen.

Being visible has been something that I have been working on over my 33 years. As an introvert the whole 'being seen' thing is quite a vulnerable and exposing place. I remember in school really being envious of the extroverted children who were so free in their expression, vocalising their emotions and every thought that entered their brains. I honestly thought I had some kind of problem. Why was I so quiet? Why did I feel so inhibited? Why were the loud children always given the most attention? If only I had known about the whole extrovert/ introvert thing! 

Over the past 4 years I have actively been putting myself in the spotlight. This process of showing up really began when I studied photography and then went on to create my own photography business. Creating work for exhibitions, sharing my images and my written work felt scary and liberating all at once. But I have to admit - the work I shared was always highly curated and always strategically placed to avoid the least amount of vulnerability and the most amount of validation. 

My work here at The Great Unravelling feels completely different. I feel much more open to being vulnerable and being okay with  not getting it right. It has actually been a really healing experience to just back myself 100% rather than needing to have everything perfect. When you come into my space there are imperfections- spelling mistakes, typo's and clumsy words thrown onto a page.  But to me it is more important to just get something out there , to share what feels good and to do what I am here to do which is to connect and create a space that is supportive, non-judgemental and open- hearted. A space that celebrates the simple pleasures in life but also honours the dark and sometimes harrowing struggles we all face. 

I have a long way to go though, I still seek validation, I still want people to like me and I still compare myself to other successful women. I think we all do at some level. Yet despite all of this there is still that deep urge to show myself and to express my truth. And I know this because hiding is no longer an option for me. Hiding is unhealthy and makes me feel small. Hiding is not being of service to others in this community or in my relationships. Hiding does not make me happy. 

I would love to chat more about this idea of visibility.

Are you showing up in your life?

Do you run from the spotlight like me or do you embrace exposing your raw and imperfect self? 

 

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Taking a holiday from self-improvement

Every now and again I make a conscious decision to take a break from trying to be better. No courses, no programs, no diets, no new regimes, no detoxes, no meditation retreats, none of it. Because I am someone who loves to learn and to grow and to challenge myself pulling back from these activities can feel a little counter intuitive, lazy even.

Don't I need to be cutting out gluten ( again) ? Don't i need to start that new meditation practice? Don't i need to sign up to that workshop?

The mind clings on but the heart softens. The mind feels lazy BUT the heart feels free. 

I usually decide to take this kind of holiday when I am feeling like my brain has 10,000 tabs open. When I find myself feeling rushed or agitated or tired this type of holiday can be the best medicine.

Being able to just be. To feel contented with where you are at and to allow the time to process things without the clutter and long list of things to be better at.

There are emotions to be aware of when embarking on such an experiment.....

 

 

Resistance: This is the coming down phase where we have more time but less stuff. We miss the instant gratification that our addiction to self-improvement can provide. We feel sooooo LAZY.

Over-thinking: We start to question if this is really worth doing-  or is it in itself another mode of self improvement ( the irony isn't lost on me) but we keep committing to just 'being'  for a little bit longer.

Pockets of calm: The original feelings of being lazy start to transmute to less agitation and more calm. We feel clearer on the things that matter. It feels like a relief to be letting go and just not trying so god damn hard.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Have you ever let yourself off the self-improvement hamster wheel?